"Ladies," Morticia began from her wicker chair, "I'm so pleased you could all come. We're here to clear up some confusion as to who is whom. Or something like that--I'm no grammarian. Now, as to which of us is the queen of horror, it must be Elvira, since she has the biggest following."
"Stolen from me," Vampira said with a toss of long locks.
Elvira bristled. "You're gonna start that again? Look who's wearing Morticia's dress!"
Morticia held up her hands. "Now, now. A man called Charles Addams was drawing cartoons of me back in the thirties. I predate all of you." She yanked a noose that set off a resounding gong.
The towering butler appeared. "Youuuuu rannnnng?"
"Yes, Lurch. What are you serving for lunch?"
"Poached aardvark." Only Elvira made a twisted look of disgust.
"You see?" Vampira insisted. "She isn't one of us."
"Oh," Elvira said, "I don't know about that. Lily, you're the only one in white. I guess that makes you the odd man out."
Lily raised a brow. "I'm dressed in the style of Dracula royalty, I'll have you know. Here's what I think." She gathered them a short distance from the chair. "We need to get her off that throne. Why should she decide who gets what crown?"
"We could set it on fire," Vampira said.
"Let's try this." Lily held up her skirts and traipsed toward the solarium, where Gomez wandered about trying to stay out of the way. "Gomez, why don't you join us, mon cher?"
Morticia sprang up. "GoMEZ! Don't you dare!"
It was the opening Elvira waited for. "Gomez, I'm sure you'll vote for Morticia as most photogenic. I mean, look at that round baby face! Next, we'll vote for sexiest." She clapped a hand to her face. "Oh, right, right. That's me!"
"Wait a minute," Lily objected. "That gives you two crowns. Well then--since I'm the only one who cooks, that makes me the best horror wife."
"Nonsense!" Gomez raised his cigar skyward. "There's nothing horrible about any of you. But then there was my aunt Deirdre from Lumbago...."
Morticia patted his arm. "That's Pago Pago, dear, where your great uncle ran afoul of that witch doctor."
The gesture wasn't unnoticed by Lily. "Morticia, you're as insecure about him as I am about Herman. I suppose we have that in common."
Elvira turned to Vampira. "We haven't heard your specialty, unless it's filing lawsuits."
"I suppose," Vampira decided, "I'm Countess Cool. You girls talk too much."
Gomez sided with the butler in the hubbub. "We may be in for a long day, Lurch. I doubt we'll regain the use of the living room until some time tomorrow."
Lurch expressed his classic mutter of disapproval.
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